Someone was boring a hole in my forehead this morning as I meditated; new gear being hooked up I expect. I felt I needed to say something.
There is a wonderful English expression; you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. That’s me, every time, I have no idea what shape I am but I don’t fit anywhere and never have. As far as I am concerned everybody else is swimming upstream as I merrily go the other way. I have to swim really fast to keep up with them. It makes no sense, but I muddle along and don’t need anyone to tell me anything. I can work it out for myself. It may take longer but I get there eventually, that’s me. The important part of all of that is ‘I’. I know my own identity and always have. There are plenty of us who do but other people appear to think we are a minority.
When we are young we look to others for inspiration to discover who we are but I discovered as we all do that people are rather fallible. They may appear significant and have something you don’t but scratch the surface and they are all pretty much the same. The ones who are teaching the highest truths are often the ones who need most to learn them. One aspect of who they are is magnificent but the rest is pretty crap. They may appear extremely learned and exude a benign exterior but inside they are insecure and behave just like everybody else. I am being judgemental. I give myself permission to do that. I can do anything.
When I was part of a large meditation community there were leaders who were intelligent and extremely eloquent but go behind the scenes and they had fractured personal lives. The ones at the top of the pile often trod on others to get there. They were just people. I was disappointed. They seemed unable to see me and after I while I looked elsewhere for inspiration.
Gandhi was the first honest person I came across. His autobiography is extremely insightful but he was a lawyer, an intelligent man, a true seeker but rather unimaginative. He asked good questions but his answers were nothing I was particularly interested in. He lived as an ascetic and I have tried that, it has a value but isn’t really me, ‘I’ enjoy a little comfort now and again.
Yoga Ananda was a contemporary of Gandhi and wrote a wonderful autobiography which although extremely dated has significant value. I tried a few of the things he talks about. They worked. I learned how to manifest after reading his book. What was most apparent and missing from Ghandi’s book was the deep love he had for people. He exposed himself without trying to hide anything and in doing so showed his true nature, who he was. That I found very interesting. He also described his experiences, ones I could relate to, they were weird and often supernatural. I could definitely relate to that.
I have sat with an enlightened master and yes I could feel his potency his true Being but he didn’t really interest me, I can’t say I really liked him. I didn’t dislike him either but didn’t feel drawn to his teachings and certainly had no interest in learning to teach them. I have done that in many lifetimes. I, again, wanted more. I wanted my true Self not to spread someone else’s truth no matter how benign.
Now you may say yes but he could have shown you how to do that. No. He hasn’t managed with anyone that I know and they have been at it long enough, forty or fifty years. They may follow avidly and do everything he tells them and yes they have benefited greatly but they haven’t gone anywhere significant. They are much happier but are essentially much the same. They have lost some of the drama but that is not enough for me ‘I’ want more. I want it all. I have found what I want and it is coming closer every day I but can’t share it with you. I can only allude to it. What I want is I. It is what I have always been seeking.
Now that may surprise you especially those who lean in a Buddhist direction. The I that I want is the highest aspect of my Self the mighty I AM presence. The Divine aspect of me, my God Self. I can and do communicate and can occasional bring I in to do things. i don’t get in the way. i become I more easily every day. I is not egocentric. The ego is a useful thing but has a different role, I is far more interesting. It does not have any failings. It is pure Love.
We can only become WE by embracing I.
You are the only one who can do that.